It's too freakin' damn dark and cold!!!

O, my! This blog is one super SAPPY and GLOOMY blog... Seriously! Eventhough I did mean it for this, but this is just too much! Some joy for this blog, please! Ahahaha... =D

Time for me to stop

There's always time like this in life. When you feel so low, rejected, unwanted, and lonely. It's killing inside and outside. Really. So it's never gonna be the situation you want to occur frequently, but what if it did happen frequently? What would you do? What should you do? Some people say to enjoy it, which now seems to me doesn't make any sense at all. To begin with, how could you enjoy something that disturbs you, destroys you? And besides, it's exhaustion that will come if you keep pretending to be fine with it, yet it pushes you over and over again. So we're back to the question of what you should do and where we end up? Nowhere. Thus, it means nothing. Nothing to do. It sucks. DAMN!!!

Peace, perfect peace...

Taking a deep breath

Holding onto it as if it were the last breath to take

Counting on every bit of oxygen that gets into your lungs, contaminates them

And... release it! Release it with a brightly smile and joy you are blessed with. 

Oh yes, you are living the time of your life

You are making peace, a perfect peace with yourself

So it's okay to stop for awhile and ponder over it

Take your time, until you are ready to take another breath 

Imparar a hablar español (learning to study spanish)

Yippieee... Hmm, how do you say yippie in Spanish? Well, anyway. I just registered this afternoon for a spanish class at LBI FIB UI with my long-time friend, Dessy, who went also to Italy for AFS exchange program in 2002-2003. We are gonna start the class on Saturday, May 7, 2011 and we are so... super excited! It will take only once a week, but for 4 hours. Hopefully it's gonna be my big channel for my big future to get a scholarship for master degree to Spain. Amen! :)

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A Letter to Tuhan (Part 3)

Dear Tuhan,

Apa kabar hari ini? It's been quite sometimes the last time I wrote You. It was on Dec 24, 2009 (Wow, it was christmas eve! hahaha. I really didn't realize that, but it didn't mean anything. You knew exactly why I wrote at that time. hehehe :)). 

Well, I guess You must be pretty busy with everything going on in this universe, but here is me, one of your little creatures want to send You a little message today. It has to and must be today. You know why...

Tuhan, I know I haven't been really grateful to all the blessings You've given me so far. I keep whining and complaining about every single thing without never giving my best effort to appreciate this one shot life I am living. My deepest apology to You, Sir! Thus, here's my writing to You as the list of what I think You definitely need to help me to make things better between US (which of course You know it already, obviously. It's just gonna be for the sake of my own good, so that I can remember what I ask to you today clearly well enough ^^)

1. Graduated in Mid of 2012 and Cum Laude

It's gonna take the hell out of me to make it happen, because as You know, I am just an average student and there are ZILLION things that are CAPABLE of distracting my focus of studying. Therefore, I really need your help on this. 

2. Obtained one of the scholarships to take master degree in Sustainability Development

I really want to contribute to the community and I think this may be the best tool. I want to prove not only to the world, but especially to myself that I am not just any other person. I am someone. I may be a little person, but still someone whom others may count on. 

Oh, and Tuhan... the place doesn't really matter to me. Seriously! I simply want the knowledge. As much as possible.

3. Financially independent

This one is actually the most urgent one.  So, it's gotta be as soon as possible.

4. Happy as it should be...

I guess make a peace with myself is what I need for now. Truthfully and honestly, I am tired of having this hard battle with myself, Tuhan. So please, If You would help me... please stop joking around with us! I am no good in any war or battle, neither is myself. We are the worst! You know that. Just make everything as simple as possible. I am gonna be very thankful to You for this.

From all of those above, the most important is that I just simply want to make my parents happy. They are my all and everything. Nothing really matter if I can't make them happy, because I always think that I am alone, all by myself here, but then I realize that there are these people who NEVER gonna leave no matter what I do or what I say. So yeah, Tuhan. Please. Please.Please. Please. Please. Show me how, lead me to the way, help me to struggle for it!

Well, it isn't so much to ask to You, is it? Hehehe. Terima kasih banyak. You are the best, Tuhan! HIGH FIVE!!! ;)

sooner or later

This afternoon, I had a nice 'myself' time before class in the evening. Sitting alone at the lake side at my campus, the breeze nicely kept coming, and fortunately I had music as a warm companion. You should try it sometimes, guys! It was so relaxing, especially if you just had a pretty rough night battling with your own thought the day before. Hehehe :)

Well, honestly saying (I know that this may sound so clichè to you, but believe me! I felt it!), this 'myself' time made me thinking that problems in life are just inevitable. I believe that none of us has no problem in life. It just comes along with your life. You definitely never like the situation, but there's nothing you can do, except dealing with it. In some cases, it even takes quite some times for you to get out of it, but eventually... Someday, it will be over. Perhaps you need to cry until your tears run dry, you need to scream until you lose your voice, you need to fight until you bleed or even are dying, but it's gonna be over. Sooner or later. I am not telling you to hope that everything is gonna be okay, because hoping may kill you (seriously!). I am just telling you to believe it. At the end, you're gonna get out of this serial killer... Alive! Surely wounded, but still... Alive!

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Conversation of Life and Love: 3rd part

There was this one time. There was life and there was love. Accidentally love gave life a visit…

 

Looking so surprised, life shouted a little: “Love! What makes you come here… again?”

Love replied with a quite confused face: “I come here to you after all these times and all you can say is just that? For heaven sake, Life!”

Life: “Indeed… I wasn’t expecting you at all. It’s so surprising!”

Love: “Well, it always happens this way, right? We both never know when, why, or how about my visit.”

Life: “That’s true, but you know what? Your visit, whether it’s a long one or not, always make me thinking and imagining in a constant and unstable way. I don’t like that.”

Love slightly punched life’s shoulder while saying: “Hey, Life! It all depends on you.”

Life emotionally and satirically replied: “Yeah, right! As if I am not unfair enough as a person. Everything always seems unfair to me, because every time you come to me, I know eventually I have to let you go. It hurts, it’s bitter, but I’ve got to be tough for myself, at least. Thus, it does NOT depend on me, Love.”

Love: “Okay, okay. I got your point. My question is if you know already that at the end you have to let me go away from you, why can’t you just simply embrace my presence? At least while I’m still here. I am quite sure you probably think it will be so harmful for your heart to do it, but don’t you want to take that risk? Come on! Admit it! YOU ARE LIFE! It is your part to take the risk, struggle, work your ass off, and get the big shit jerk along the way. I am sorry, but it’s true, right?”

Life realized that what love said was true, so life just nodded and added: “Yeah…”

With a bright smile, love held life tightly: “At least for now, my dearest best friend… We have our moment together when we agree on living harmoniously while I am still here.”

Slowly, life put a little smile on the face and said: “Hmm, yeah. While you are still here…”

Love: “And you are going to remember it as the time when love was here.”

Life: “Yes, the time when love was here… when you were here. Thanks, love!”

Love smiled again: “You are very much welcome, life!”

To the memories of my late aunt, Sila Said

My deepest sorry for missing so many moments together. My deepest sorry for letting you down so many times when you needed me. My deepest sorry for no proper farewell between us. 

This saturday, March 26, 2011 will be the 40th day of your commemoration. My warm hug and salutation for you, my dearest aunt.

                                May you rest in peace

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Conversation of Life and Love: 2nd part

Life: To me, to live means to put effort on what you want to get or achieve. What does it mean to you, Love?

Love: I do also agree with you, Life. But in my case, sometimes effort isn't really necessary. The importance is that we trust that there's God who may always put you on the best direction, though it is crappy and so, so amazingly unbelievable. That you think why it happens to you. Or why this "joke" is just getting too much. 

It is effortless...

So yes, you simply need to SURRENDER. To God, to the universe.